It is a strange time of year for those in estranged states. In some ways there is relief that the duties of The Day are no longer really necessary. But there is also that maudlin revisiting of the days past and what they brought – or didn’t. I’ve been trying very hard to not allow myself to be overly emotional these last two weeks – I had so much to get through, after all, and it demanded every stitch of sanity I had left. But now I can breathe…
I arrived at my new sanctuary (it is quite palatial, friends) and it is so nice to just be still for a time. To know I’ve nothing to do but find work and focus on caring for any last details – the remnants of moving. It is difficult to know when to change to my address, though, since I really haven’t one. I have chosen to let some things remain at the old one for now. It is my hope to only change it all once, of course.
It was a difficult arrival here, though, I’ll admit. My truck weighed down like a Bedouin camel, I freighted the Daily Goods with me. Once parked, my head bowed in utter exhaustion as I texted Those Concerned with news of my safe arrival. And then the tears fell like rain as the ability to just stop struck me hard. I finally managed to exit the vehicle and start offloading the stuff and things.
What was worse – yesterday I received the Thanks But No Thanks emails for both roles I had in process. One was a moderate relief as it would have been difficult, indeed. But to not get either…I sat on the floor with the small dogs that reside here and we had a small pity party. I then explained a few moments later that this was the process. You grieve, you stand, you wash your face, and then you start all over again. It isn’t easy – but I guess it gets easier each time. Someone told me last night to see if I could get in anywhere and just move up. I had to explain that I had humbled myself to several minimum wage roles and no one is interested. It is a very strange thing to face that you are extremely intelligent and worthy and yet…worth nothing to the market. I never thought it would take this long. So I will be reaching out to even more agencies to see what can be done – the last three having offered zero roles. I am telling you – baffling. I try very hard to just be patient, try to stay positive but there are some days that it takes all I have to just not surrender. I did manage to get 4 applications submitted today. Not a bad morning’s work. And another 2 or 3 are possible later today once my errands are done.
This morning the internet cast this into my net, though, and it was really quite helpful. Nothing new, of course – the same language, the same things we all know to be true. But it helped. I would particularly mention the 6m 55s mark wherein he states that you must rid yourself of the people around you that aren’t helpful. I learned this lesson a long time ago. But then it can be lonely. I readily admit that. Still, being free of the drama of others, of the trailing miasma they bring to your door…oh, wait. Is that me, now? Am I now one of Those People to others? Well, all the more reason to keep trying to be positive and effectual.
And now I’ve things to get done – I am off to breathe clean air and be scoured by new winds for a time. A respite where I need not think of any of the above – not what has happened nor what is to come. I intend to live in the moment to moment. We’ll see how I manage that task. I just want to lay aside all cares, these last – what? – 4 months of travail and be myself. Not the simulacrum that has stumbled through those days. Not the Strong And Brave version of myself that has been a scrim over the crumbled edifice. No, I shall be the person I once was a long time ago…once upon a time when we all lived in the forest…
“It’s a kind of magic…”