I put my feet to the cold floor this morning and did a quick calculation – a week to closing. A week…well, then. Life will be fair or foul in that short a time so I’d might as well rise to greet the day and Get On With It. I was greeted with this remnant. I had no idea it’d sleeted like that.
Too, I just was told that I did not get the Big Job that I’d hoped for but…I am truly not that surprised. I think they preferred someone with more experience in the banking world and that is reasonable. It was also one of the first interviews I’d been on in decades so…meh. It is a disappointment, yes. But not a surprise. My backup plan should no role come through shortly is to get some sort of geek certification and just roll with that.
I think it very strange how my life will be so different in such a short time with rather little choice on my part. It seems very dreamlike, in a way, that this would happen to me in this way. My life was always held to a strict set of controls so that it was not impacted in this way. NEVER did I allow my future to be in the hands of another like this. But…things happen. You trust in certain aspects of your life – just as the sky is blue you believe that what you know and have will remain that way. I suppose the worst thing about it all is that you lose the willingness to trust anyone that way again. I do not allow it readily as-is. This…education…has brought walls up another 50%. Good luck scaling that, motherfucker. But then I suppose it means only the truly dedicated will bother.
I was rewatching Penny Dreadful lately because it is eye candy and the scene that I had forgotten came on –
It is amusing to see the comments from so many women at that link. How it resounded with us all…I can remember seeing it the first time and glancing to see if he noted the tears falling without control. But no, I do not think he noticed. How it surprised me this time – indeed, I did not use mirrors. Still do not care to See myself. I judge myself most harshly of all people. Brutal honesty about oneself is the only way to avoid deception. If I had used it more intelligently I would not be in this place today. Instead, I glossed over my life, put a soft haze on everything to allow myself that deception. No one pays the price but yourself in that. It is a very foolish choice.
I suppose the upside to the experience is the finding out how many people care for you and your future. It really has been a flood of kindness and support. I could not have made it this far without it. I shall never forget it, I think. I remember the first time I was so betrayed I really had no one. But I was younger and, I suppose, more resilient. And I had cash to allow some time to breathe. Yes, you would think that lesson would have prevented this one…do not doubt that I kick myself over and over. But they are such different people that there was no way I could have predicated an almost identical betrayal.
I would, again, like to ensure I mention that he has been really very good about a lot of things. I know many women are treated far worse. Of course, I know many who gut the man’s income as retribution but…what would that get me other than bad karma? No, it’s best this way – the amicable and reasonable process of…dissolution. Why add to the anguish? It isn’t as though he is wealthy. No…we’re doing what we can to be kind to each other. I do not remove from him the blame he is due. But I am also not denying the aid thus far.
I admit my hands are shaking with this news – my whole body, really, quakes…that what I thought might be a break in the crashing waves was really just a surge in the tide. I have tried so hard to let Fate lead me where it will. To hold gratitude in mind – it is the highest echo in the universe – and be patient with the path unfolding. But then those become useless ideals when your back is against the wall, no? What use philosophy when you haven’t a home?
I will remain…amenable…to the twists and turns. But I am tired of fighting the waves. “Where do the strong go when they need to be weak?” Parke Godwin wrote that and I have retained it all these years. I have had to be strong all my life – never felt safe in those years but for these last 10 – and here I am, back again to that place of…old fears. At least it is familiar terrain. A bit overgrown, though. I ought to have brought a machete.