Well, perhaps not eternal but at least there is damp portent of a possible rivulet. A job may be in my future! Well, there are a few that may be but this one at least has gotten in front of eyes of human beings who actually make decisions. Huzzah.
I have tried to keep my mind set on the facts and figures, the research performed, my little soliloquy of me at the ready, and the questions that one must have all printed out. And still…there is that little creature that huddles and frets. My dear friend who made this all happen offered her advice, “Balls OUT!” which put great courage in my soul. Tomorrow we shall see.
There is not much else to report, I’m afraid. Stasis. Which is far better than travail, to be certain. Breath held against the storm. Once things start in motion it will be a lumbering beast of gears and sprockets that will chew through anything that doesn’t move. Nothing will stop its motion – only activity can surpass its gain. If only I knew what to do.
I spoil myself with visuals, with songs, to distract from the lurching thing in the distance. Old days are pulled around me like a shawl, so familiar and comfortable and Over. Known. Yes, that happened, we didn’t die, and then we moved on. Oh, and yes, that happened, lived through it, too, and moved on. And again…so that in a few more years this will also be stitched into that shawl of days, pain faded, sharp edges burnished with tears and abrasion.
You must turn your mournful ditty to a merry measure. I will never come for pity, I will come for pleasure.
That, a remonstration from a courtly man to his courtesan, another who waited and wrote, but who in the end lost all but the words. From one side it seems a reasonable demand but from another a cruel denial. We all need pity for our pain, our mourning. An understanding of what stirs within, never-dying. Like cinders deep in the belly, now cold but weighing us down. The only cure being a straight spine to fight the gravity, the grave.
Do you believe in reinvention
Do you believe that life is holding the clue
Any way to face the silence