You can take 2018 and flush it. Here’s to 2019 and a hope that it offers rather less drama.
As with all NYE’s I spend it home, quietly, and safely. Well away from the morons who are set on killing themselves on the roadway…I have generated some support with the Taylor Fladgate, bought for a special occasion and, now aged beyond its 10 years, it will suit. I am missing some Stilton to go with it but I will struggle through.
I do not allow myself much in the way of medicinal comfort. I have earned at least 3 months of Xanax-laden peace but I ignore that. Like much else…too easy to let it sugarcoat the truth so that you need not look at it. I have, more than anything, been trying so hard to be honest with myself about everything that has happened, and my part in it.
I think the utter shock at the news was a key to my understanding of it – one assumes a relationship has stages and you are wending your way through a shallows, snagging on old limbs. But you thought the vessel sound. Only to find that the craft is loose at the keel, all the boards trying to fly apart to create something new with itself, by itself. It is the shock that something so worthy can be so warped and you never knew.
So everything sinks to the bottom and you have to decide what to drag to shore. What is ruined and what can be salvaged and what you can never hope to get to a new place…it reminds me of the movie, The Piano, which is stunning.
I will choose what comes with me to the new year, the new life, the new home. And some things I will not be able to choose, they being beyond my ability to address. I wonder though…where it will be…what beach will I wash up on? What trinkets of the sea clinging like barnacles to my hair? When I was very young I thought I must have been a mermaid, so lost I was in the world of people. It seemed like I never quite belonged. There was a hauteur to my young soul, I will admit it. And maybe even now a touch of that remains. Pride…but it is the pride of survival. A chin raised against the blows. Teeth set and quite willing to snap at a foolish approach.
I do not tempt fate. But I try to not bow to it, either. I have given it too much already.
I have surrendered enough.