Humility Is Part of Humiliating

It has been a day of desperation. A lot of weeping, a lot of packing with tears spattering paper around fragile things. I returned over and over to the email folders in the hope that some hope would spring forth. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

So I decided there were two messages I needed to send – one was a notecard begging a former father-in-law for any financial aid he could manage. The other was an email revealing my sorry state to my former supervisor and asking if he could check into a role that I hadn’t heard anything about and if he knew of any others.

My humiliation is complete. This is what he has brought me to. Rather, it is what I allowed myself to be brought to. I should never have given up my sovereignty. Today was the last day I allowed myself to avoid the final true surrender – the forgoing any chance at an office role for that in retail. It is not that I am…above such things. Just that it will only stagnate my skills further, and make any meetings harder to schedule. I have applied in so many different organizations, a scattershot attack to see if anyone would see my skills as useful. However, the truth is that with my shattered mind and exhausted spirit it has been very hard to edit every single application to the tune they are calling.

If you haven’t done this in awhile let me explain – every company hires online. You submit your resume and it may or may not accurately place the data in their fields. Then you have to try and parse what the role was demanding and fill in the fields to fit that all while hoping it doesn’t close out your window due to your taking too long to finish. Each company is using a different version of software to take your resume, or they use the same one but different versions – some working better than others. Some companies are clear on their process and some just leave you wondering if the documentation has even landed on their server.

Then you have to keep checking back to see if there is any action because even though it says you will get notification…well, you might not. And then they want your verbiage to precisely hit their algorithms – when the job you are applying for is less than the one you are experienced for. Or vice versa when you are applying for anything because the desperation is so awful you will do anything…

Would you like to know the level of humiliation I have landed on? I have saved the role for janitorial service at my husband’s office. I would literally clean their garbage while they laughed for 20 hrs a week to make some sort of salary. But I know they wouldn’t hire me – too experienced! Waste of my time and skills, they’d say. Well, it beats asking if you want fries with that.

I need to drive to the storage space and move things around and cannot. I cannot move from this chair. I have 3 more hours of desperation to work through.

I wish it would rain. I wish it would pour rain and a tornado would rip through this entire place and destroy it all. A burning of the ship on the shore. At least there would be insurance money.

Huh, even my pitiable father who has hardly a pot to piss in has said the check is in the mail, the deposit he received from his last apartment. A paltry sum I am sure and yet a mighty gift. A standing up after all those years of his sitting down. He gets credit for that.

I look at my shaking fingers, the nails ragged from all the cleaning and moving. How to shake a hand with that? How to take these dark circles from sleepless nights and hours of weeping away and present a face of sane competence? Or do you explain that you would present better if your entire world wasn’t upside down just now? I have no idea. I have…literally no idea how I’ve made it this far. Sort of astounding, really.

“You mustn’t be embarrassed. I have lost everything.”

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