The days seem to be flying by and I need every single one I can get, now. He tells me the 15th will be his last day here, leaving me (as I suspected) with the heavy lifting of selling the house. It is in his name so he would have to return often for paperwork but I knew at the start of this that his aid would be limited – mostly because the net gain would be mine, I think. Though if it is a minor amount we have agreed to split it. We each will need the money to make a new home.
Last night his words were cruel – he’d been throwing things in boxes, home later than he intended. His frustration was growing and I only said that his choice to take a 10 day vacation made his time compressed – as did his choice to transfer to another location. All of that was by his choice. I did not mean he ought not to have taken a vacation but that had he taken 5 days or 6, we might have had the house ready by now for the photos. All choices have consequences. But I suppose logic was not desired in the moment and his words carved at me. I take it rather hard – a man who promised so much in vows could revert to such a cold creature crushes my spirit. If he could just put on a pretense of understanding and humility it’d be easier on me. I feel, as I told someone, like a whore who keeps her mouth shut to stay safely housed and fed. That he cannot at least be calm in the face of it all…well, I have to try and not worry about his actions or reactions. They are not mine to care for.
I ought to stress that he has been very generous in offering to pay the mortgage for January which buys me another month. But that the other bills are mine – which, since I haven’t any money of my own, is rather a problem. I shall make a call today and beggar myself to see if I can get enough to get through two months or bills and deposits, etc. I had hoped to be starting a job by now…but I suppose, emotionally, I’d be hard pressed to do anything right. I wish I could just return to my prior role, comfortable and known. I know regression isn’t good but I also fear for learning new things – and on a curve that might be aggressive. Can I even do it?
Yesterday morning the ground was covered in a thick frost and it felt like my soul, so cold and still. I looked last night for words that might fit and amazingly the first link was precisely right. I have always thought the universe communicates with us through these coincidences. No one knows the truth of the hereafter – if there is one, if we are all just deluded or weak minded. But coincidences tell me that there is a Loki, a Trickster that enjoys their work.
She's terribly lost, confused, and small, and is it so wrong to want it all? To be loved and touched and thought about, above all others and cared for throughout?
As I wandered later that evening in a terrible state of mind the universe again threw a lifeline into the roiling seas. A sun dog that was so bright and lasted so long that I wondered at it.
There was almost an entire arc in the sky, a slight band of crystalline grace. This place – it gives me so many such gifts and it is part of the reason I dread leaving it. It is why I am so tempted to northern climes and views. Put mountains and hills before me and stars that fill the sky. And yet…I am too afraid to put the wheels on the road and head where I know nothing and no one. Oh, there is that temptation to a new life. But am I too far gone, now, to be without even the small support system I have here?
I’ve just come in from fixing the gate. Something to be proud of, an accomplishment of sorts. And if it keeps the gate from hitting people, all the better. It seems I have until Tuesday to prepare this house. Yet so much to do but there is an end in site, I think. I took the time to go through the bed linens, putting all of his in order, putting the flannels in my stack. He will never need them. It is a kindness I am capable of even in the face of his own cruel words. I cannot be brought down to that level or it turns into a cascade of despair.
A friend noted that he was trying to make a world in his head where he doesn’t have to deal with his guilt. Any reality that breaks the veil is too much to cope with. When he said he’d even considered changing to that new state’s police unit I had a sudden empathy for him. My God, he’d throw away literally an entire retirement he is nearly ready to use, several years of climbing the ladder and, so it seems, that dream of being a Ranger – it was the entire reason for his move…and yet, for her, he would throw it all away? No, if she loves him she ought to throw her future on the pyre for him. I did. It was worth everything to me to help him succeed. Because in that I would know my own success. It is an old fashioned – tradwife – concept, I suppose, and not one many would agree with. But it was so important to me that his casual spitting out of its…lack of value to him now…it stunned me to my core. And I had a sudden feeling of deep mercy for what is inside him, now.
I wonder if it is like my first ex – when his lies and finances got so fucked up that the only way out he could see was a new life with someone who didn’t know his old one, who wouldn’t ask hard questions about why he’d give it all up – a mad act to anyone sane. It is almost identical and I fear that his will wind up just like the 1st one – well, not quite. But alone and with no one to support his hopes and dreams. She should be – I hope she is. I hope she tells him to not be a damned fool and throw it all away at this point. I haven’t really faulted her much in this other than to not tell him NO at the very start. But if she would advise him to leave it all behind? I would not trust her with much else, I tell you that. But I don’t want to disparage a person I know nothing about. I judge by actions and I only know a very few. So I do not lay much of this at her feet and actually hope she doesn’t wind up this way, too, in a decade.
But still the mountains call…Casper, WY has a role…not many places to live but…in time I suppose I could manage something. But I tell myself that the snow is not merely decorative. That the view might not be enough.
If only I knew what will happen. If there was a plan…this is, for me, the worst possible condition – it puts me in a panic state that just recycles over and over until I am howling with the frustration. So I am trying very hard to just keep trying. Do what I can while I can and see what happens. As a friend says I can always gas up the car, pack the go bag and go as far as the tank allows, leaving the pod to trail along behind me some other day. But I am risk averse. Terribly so. I’ve had my fill all my life and particularly now. I just want a safe place to land, a job that I can accomplish, and peace to think. You wouldn’t think that would be such a large ask. But Life deems it so.
Now I have an hour before a conference call with a prospective employer, it may be a kind of test they use to determine interest. So I need to avoid tears, put on some makeup and be ready in case its a video conference – let it not…oh, let it be merely listening…but I have to do it just in case. A small price. Meanwhile, I haven’t a dinner ready…again, that price of comfort. I had better find something suitable. I do not wish to provoke any reaction…just peace, calm, and kindness.