When one is in travail the people who love and care for you will always show up and you will be surprised at the number of them…one goes through life, loving them, caring for them but you never really tack on the “help me bury a body” title until – well, knee-deep in crap.
I give a curtsey to Zed for the early voice of sanity. And my dearest Christina for letting me ramble on and on in emails, knowing I don’t do Phone. Hellion Sherrie even loaned me her husband – no, not like that – to get my laptop back up and running. And thank GOD because it has been vital to every single day of my life as I try to find roles and apply for them. He is a dream of a guy.
And then there are the more ephemeral contacts online – I try to not link my presences specifically to keep the riff raff from causing trouble down the line. But there is a “like-minded individual” I know and their “place” needed a few things to round out the kit. He so kindly came west to buy a few things only to haul it all back ESE. The cash was much-needed and the deals fair, I think. So he gets a special prayer tonight as does his family. His kids…wow. Stunningly intelligent, very well behaved…just…well, you can often tell good people by how their kids behave.
I’m just sitting here, mulling it all over and knowing how lucky I am…it is easy to forget, of course, in the rush of the days, the frantic search for work, and terror of it all not being enough. But in the quiet of the night I can review my good fortune and appreciate it as it is. I know I have a home with a dear older lady if I have no other choice. And I think she might appreciate the company for a time, herself. So I really can try to let that fear stand aside if only I will…
But I do not like to rely on others. It is hard for me, it isn’t comfortable. I like to do things on my own and not have to worry if the other person will come through. Lord knows it hasn’t worked out that well for me in the past. I am learning that it can be a good thing to let go a portion of your burden so that you give the gift of aid to others – people who want to help you are doing so of their own volition – to remove that from them is unkind. And I am trying very hard these days to be as kind as I can be. It means a lot to me to NOT fall into the cynicism and vindictiveness that others might in a similar situation. It does no one any good and, if karma is real, will only bring it back to me eventually. Best that I send myself kindness and grace.
And I must say – I was stunned to see the stack of possible roles Sarge brought home last night. The system the state uses is rather awful. An application can require a ton of data input but it will time you out of your access without any kind of warning. And one role to another your uploaded data may or may not used to fill in the blanks – you have to scan every line to ensure it referenced your data because it just…well, it has a mind of its own. So the process has been a bit irksome. His taking the time to locate roles is a great kindness. Too, he is making a call to the supervisor of a division I’d like to work for to see if there is a way to get beyond the algorithm and the HR Tab A Into Slot B types. Honestly, once I get in front of someone I am quite likable and skilled! Sadly, the computerized sampling is not working for me. I simply don’t have the right mix.
All that is making me wonder – am I looking in the wrong place? Should I be turning in a different direction? But my age makes it very hard to not play the game – insurance is just a requirement, now. We may be years from a rational system (such as writing policies across state lines, editing for childless individuals, etc.) – I don’t think we’ll have a choice but to do it one day. Until then. however, I must do what the system demands.
If I had no concerns? I’d love an outside job. Miserable in the summer, it’s true, but…at least it’d be free of the executive world. And I’ve considered the nanny thing – I am good with kids in some ways but it is also a job that never quite gives you off hours. A writer would be a lovely role. I had an astrologer tell me once that I ought to be in the law. But I don’t think I am sharp enough for that. I am suspicious enough to look at all the angles and I can read people well enough but…no, I may be too set in my ways for that, now.
I do wish I’d had an inkling of all this 3 years ago…I would have gone to school in a serious way and at least had marketable skills. It’d be nice to just look at slides all day and say healthy/sick, cancer/benign, etc. The world of the micro – that has always fascinated me. Nanotech would be a dream line of work. It has gone generally dark after the very heady early days. Oh, sure, there are the cool waterproof barrier treatments that act like a magic trick. But it is so far beyond all that, now…like most things demonstrated for us what we see is about 20 yrs old. The good stuff has got to be mind-blowing.
I like to help people and I have considered work at a hospital. The germs would be ridiculous. But it would be an interesting environment. Always changing…and I think I might look at that next week. Even a secretarial role there would offer the chance to at least learn something now and then. And if I could avoid Austin? Oh, yes. Please.
Well, there you have it – my Friday night ramblings. I am quite tired, now. Felt a bit drained all day and I know it was a lack of sleep. Seems the one thing I really need these days is a solid 8 hrs. But the pod arrived early so I had no choice. However, the pod is HERE so tomorrow can start the loading of the big stuff which will allow me to do more packing and arranging. Kind of hard to do anything when there is no room to move.
Is there an upbeat tone to this post in comparison to the last? Maybe…I won’t say I haven’t had a couple bad days recently – getting rejected by SpaceX was still sad though the odds were completely against me – but I am trying ever so hard to not let those days turn into weeks. I let myself have the sad time, the fearful hours, but then try to find something motivating – even if it is someone who had far worse troubles than mine and overcame them. I keep all the motivators I find that suit me but this one…well, I try to refer to it all the time. It’s by Team Ronin. Saltier than their usual offering, it hit me just at the right time.
It reminded me that I damned well used to do a whole lot, I took care of my own life, and rarely needed the help of anyone. I am not saying I don’t love the Trad Wife Life because it is everything to me. But I am quite capable on my own – I just prefer to have someone fighting beside me. Well, I sometimes think that our lives are chapters in a book and we get to live them and then we have to turn the pages to what comes next. It might not be the same characters and scenery. The plot has twists. Just don’t try to see too far down the road, I guess. And try to shine. Of course, there is always my favorite Parke Godwin quote from a favorite book which I may get a bit wrong but…
“I’ll light their bloody candle but they’ll damn well hear about the dark.”