Noting Prose

It has been a long time since I had the leisure to browse the blogs and enjoy the language of others. Today I was sorting a lot of details out as one must when separating the Us into the You and Me.

I looked at the convenient feed and that of the Red Haired Wonder poked at me – and her following advice served as a timely reminder. “You can’t control fate, but you can make choices. You can continue your day and do nothing, standing in brooding and irretrievable calculation as if casting in a game already lost. Or you can seize the moment, the days, wringing every last drop from them.”

I tend to melancholy and pessimism. That is why he was such a good foil for me with his eternal optimism and general good nature. I never did dwell in the depths for long. But his buoyancy will float away as I hold to the pieces of the rickety raft called my life.

As the We turns into Me I find myself mellowing in the stages of grief, noting them as they come and trying to let them wash over like riffles and not a tidal surge. Nothing to swamp me, not enough to drown. But that stiffness at the back of the nose and the prickle of tears forming can feel like drowning. Then it becomes familiar and you can let it rise and fall with only a swipe or two to prevent the notice by others.

It would be easy to destroy everything I see as I have been – the need to rip the small trees from the ground was strong. He planted them. For us. For this perfect place. But the trees didn’t cause this. But some things were thrown into the trash bin – the heart-shaped box full of the language of love – that was cast in with the other waste. The ceramic plate crafted by a friend whose own mid-life crisis we jeered at – those anniversary dates no longer needed. And today I started on the photos – moving some to the Delete Later folder created for that very thing. Out of sight until I can bear to see them without the pain and regret.

A friend noted this is like chemotherapy – necessary, you feel terrible, and you may never quite recover but you aren’t dying. A stasis, of sorts, and a bargaining with life. I admit there was a shock – one of the few moments of anger flaring – when I told him that the last time I went through this I nearly ate my gun, that this time the thought of his profiting from the insurance policy felt like the one thing holding my hand back. His callous, “I can change the beneficiary” response was a bucket of cold water in my face. My God – it really was all a lie. No Captain America, that – no, and it was good that I knew it. In that moment I knew I’d been so utterly wrong for 11 years and how stupid could I have been to not see it.

Strangely, I’d had a dream a few months ago in which he stood there quite callously as I learned that I was to be kicked out, with nothing, no plans, no hope, as he stood there just smirking in the face of my howling pain. It was so stark that I actually mentioned it and I wonder now if he thought in that moment how I could have figured it out. Well, life is funny that way, preparing me for the shock before it came.

It is amicable enough – assurances made of a roof and insurance until I can get a job, though my skills are 3 years stale. A promise that the 401k I gutted for the house would be repaid. It is all I will have to tide me over, after all. We – I – counted on his military and DPS retirement. Well, now someone else can – and good luck to them because who knows if he will change his mind there, too.

I try to not wish her ill, hold back the easy curses, avoiding candles and mirrors lest the temptation be too much. She deserves much. But the thing is cyclical and one has to find it…worthy of it wending its way back. Instead, I choose moments. Live Here, breathe Here. Don’t look to far down the road – there is no light there, not yet. But in this moment here you have warmth and air. Don’t denigrate its value.

Ah, words – I have missed them. Who knows how prolific they will be once there is no need for 3 meals, 2 dogs, and endless cleaning. Anything could happen. Absolutely anything.

 

Someone Start Dancing

Starting the blog over against my will feels a bit like being alone on a dance floor when you don”t know how to dance. Just waiting for anyone to move forward and move the spotlight so that I can exit.

I have no idea if this will even work. Or if I’ve lost the old one with this edit. I think not but…well, we shall see.

“Women named Lucy are always being imposed upon but, Lucia, there’s a name for an amazon, for a queen.”

 

An End of (Some) Things

Well, a lot can happen in a short time. A week ago I was informed that he was “not happy” and a divorce was pending. Yes, it was stunning news. No, I had no idea though a few days prior my suspicions were high. So this blog under this name will have to retire, I guess, or be renamed. Really not sure what my options are…

Conditions are amicable, generally. He chose a terrible time – selling the house, I was starting a job search, he may promote and have to move…but the last one – at least he did it now and not after I’d moved to a new part of the state so there is that. I am pushing hard for calm, and pleasant outlooks. I can fall apart later when I have a house and job. Right?

Add on that my laptop is in for repair (by a sweet friend) so I am forced to use my wee tablet which does at least have a wee keyboard outrigger. Still, it is clumsy and slow going so this will remain brief. If anyone has info on how to best deal with a blog change like this please pass it along…retitle and keep content, all new site, what? I have no clue. Sigh…onward with my packing, though. Another load needs to go to the storage space…

Good Lord, Has It Been That Long?

Oh, the dust bunnies are piled up in the corners here, no? Well, let me just offer a few reasons…my laptop died. And Sarge’s old one has a lovely Latitude keyboard “known issue” where your cursor just jumps around for no reason so writing anything more than a few sentences was a ridiculous feat. So I had to get a keyboard and mouse…

Then it was suddenly summer and Sarge was gone for a few weeks – and the garden was coming on like mad. And the puppy…dear GOD, the puppy. A royal PITA, frankly, as she is VERY dominant and needy all at the same time. She won’t stay in the barbed wire fence, either, low crawling like a mofo and managing to get all 80 lbs of herself through.20180630_174704

Ah, and then there was the swimming pool turned into a swamp ordeal…that took a few weeks and a lot of work to battle to submission. And then there was Twitter. Yep, I have spent far more hours there than I really ought to but it is an instant gratification thing – a few sentences and you are done. And I’ve managed to find one or two very nice people and handy to know types. So there is that.

Meanwhile…Sarge has been getting in great shape and taking care of dental appts that were needed. He has Plans that demand he be in top form and I applaud him. My own fitness took a dump when my arms started going awfully numb. Yes, I went to the doc. And yes, he declared the same old cry of “carpal tunnel” AKA “pay my Vette loan”. Look, I KNOW it is a nerve issue higher up than that – maybe ulnar entrapment but I am betting higher still. I think it is an issue with the axillary artery but no one wants to hear about that, do they? And yes, I had a lovely heart ultrasound and blood work that show I have few issues with the latter and nothing to show any major troubles. The higher BP also makes me think the problem is in the transverse scapular area – if I pop my shoulder just right in the rear sensation is better. So it is either nerve and/or blood constriction and I’ll be damned if I am risking my hands to save someone from doing it the right way the first time. I need to get someone to perform a proper CT angiogram, I think, too at least get a proper visual…well, pfft. It’s all BS – in the end I am too old to be fooled by a young surgeon who doesn’t have to face the consequences for a wrong decision. He didn’t even pay attention when I said that there was relief when my shoulder popped. Dude, that’s called a fucking CLUE. When he handed me a stretching band to alleviate that shoulder pain I knew we were done.

So a lot has gone on over the summer. And this vast beauty was hauled into the house – 38 lbs and 38 inches around. It was perfect inside. He was so proud.

 

Watermelon Ol 38

I am not a melon fan, generally, so he has been eating the massive harvest of cantaloupe and now these are coming ripe…just look at that beast! And then there were the whole two peaches the ancient tree provided…

I’d cut it back hard in the spring but a few very cold days made the blooms fail so I was glad to get any at all. We split each one so we could taste them and it was like what you dream a peach would be…drenchingly sweet, flesh just soft but not stringy. Oh, it was sunlight caught in your hand…20180725_194346

And the tomatoes…enough so that I was begging him to take them to the office, to the neighbor, to anyone that would have them. I made everything I could with them but at least they have slowed a bit – one bush was ridiculously huge. I shall save those seeds but now I know they need a cage of rebar. 20180724_074839

Did  mention the cantaloupes? I’ve two in the fridge and three on the counter. He took three to the office yesterday.

Add to all that the idea that I might have to leave this lovely and idyllic home for a different place in the state. Promotions sometimes demand that. In truth, we think it might be for the best, anyway. But…oh, I do love this place…I have been trying to accept that we got to enjoy it for as long as we have and it was a real treat to me to spend my days with each sunrise and sunset on my face, the winds always blowing on the hill. But I might also enjoy not having the reminders of the sadness…of seeing my dear Kota in every corner, of knowing there – there she lay down last, and there – there she scratched her final message to me. No…it might be a good thing to leave that behind along with much else.

Soon Sarge heads to Georgia to tie up some loose ends of his inheritance – if you know anyone who’d like an overbuilt old home in N. GA with a garden and proper chicken run…well, it will come available soon. In one way it hurts to let it go – the history, the last link. As much as I mourn this home he must mourn that one trebly so…but I am trying so hard to move away from holding onto things and places – to being more open to what life brings and not hate or fear change as I always have. Change has always been due to misfortune or mishap. I do not trust it. So it is a hard hurdle to just accept it as it comes…

I am watching the hummingbirds at my feeders, dancing in the air, fighting for the plenty provided. They also serve as a reminder to not hold so tightly to what I have as I might miss something I need more…but this place…this sky…these trees…if only I could pack it all up and move it along with me…a suitcase of land, a pop-up book of a house…well, it cannot be helped. And the world is uncertain! Anything could happen – anything at all.

Home_Of_Dreams

Spring: the 3 Outfits Per Day Season

Ah, Spring in Texas…you just never know what you will get so you dress for Idaho in the AM, NM in the day, and the Sun by 3p. I wanted to get the winter things packed up for storage a few weeks ago but glad I held off. However, I think we are now well into the warmer weather so those heavy things can get packed away again. Amusing how some of the bags never were opened. I like to use those ziploc storage bags that you shrink with the vacuum – they go into a tidy storage bag with handles that you can stack and tote. Very handy. For some reason I never thought to get them out of the closet and into the storage space. This year, though…

I had wanted to get our attic fan thing installed over the winter while it was cool. That didn’t happen, of course. So now I have to find a handy man that can get it done because the live-in doesn’t seem interested in the task. I want to use the damn thing to keep the temp in there to a reasonable 95 or so. I also want to flip the bedroom furniture placement so that I don’t listen to the drone of the AC units all night. Lord, it makes me nuts. Sarge hardly notices…

It has been an absolute whirlwind of a year thus far – it feels like I’ve no time to just rest and think. Getting the puppy did not help in that regard. She has been a CONSTANT worry since she is an escape artist – yes, even through barbed wire. We just edited the fenceline a few weeks ago and she is still getting through. So…more strands will have to be added. Mind you, I did indicate same with the polite wifey “wouldn’t it be easier to just ADD a strand than move them?” query. Sadly, an entire day’s work was shown to be for naught. Well, we did get a lot of mesquite cleared which is always good. Still…so now we have to get some cattle panel sort of fence, cut it in half and mount it at the back fence where the neighbor dogs draw her attention. Then add one or two more strings of wire to the rest of the property. We assumed her size would end that escape ability but she can low crawl like a Marine. Sigh.

Anyway, we used to allow her to sleep outside for a few hours or just prance around the field but no more…on the leash for most of the time which means essentially the 6a wakeup and the irritating march in muck boots and robe. She is just too damn smart.

Poor Ranger got a dandy ear infection and had to go to the doc. He, like She Who Cannot Be Named, kicked himself a lovely hematoma on one ear. It will be $600 to fix it. Well, assuming we have the $130 blood work done to ensure he could manage the surgery. At nearly 12 yrs of age one really has to weigh that cost. After all, Artik must get spayed soon and then she will have a horrendous surgery bill for her hip in about 6 months or so. I dislike making these decisions. I am capable of cold calculation when required – being raised with nothing makes it easier to judge what is sensible and what is not. But it is still difficult.

We had company for a week and then Sarge was gone to a meeting for a week so a lot of things I wanted to get done didn’t…and I was so frazzled with the puppy duty that I just had no mind left…and now my head wants to give me some sort of freaky jerky throbbing pain – no reason, not constant, not positional…just HI! ZAP! OW! Now snap your neck like a zombie! And then…nothing. I was fine most of the day yesterday and now today it wants to return. I had a similar issue a long while back when I was very sick for about a week (I thought it was a sinus infection gone to hell) – I didn’t know it at the time, of course. I was unwell one day and then about 4 days later I groggily realize Sarge is home from work…I thought it’d been a day, maybe, of bed rest. Anyway, it was a similar pain then – much worse, and I went to a doc in the box to get something to help with the pain. They couldn’t see any reason for it but one said there was an obscure possibility and prescribed Prednisone against it. Currently at an impasse with my Primary doc I suppose I will have to fight to find a new one.

Sarge has been back on the Peloton and doing well – I have fallen off the wagon, so to speak, having had little time for anything lately. It bothers me a bit but I also know I just damned well haven’t the energy for anything else. I barely get enough sleep now that the puppy isn’t kenneled at night – she is awake at 6a if not earlier so if I don’t get the SLEEP at 10p then I am simply not capable of much in the day. Bitch and moan, I know.

We’ve company next weekend so I have to get the house in order – I slacked on the  chores with my head hurting and all the vet trips. I have to get some shelves up so I can restore the craft room to a semblance of clean and then plan a nice meal…we tend to not have company so it always feels like an Event. I have been trying to clear tables and floor of crap to make cleaning easier – a little at a time I have put things where they belong or gotten rid of them. I plan to see if my guest wishes to have any of my former work attire – she works at a dress up daily job and might be able to use them. I don’t think I will ever do that again and could use the closet space. I might miss a few pieces – I tend to get very singular items that I really like but…the fact is that I simply won’t wear much of it again.

Sarge has also been taking classes to get his degree and any spare time he has is taken up with that. I am very proud of him, though. He stays on top of the assignments and has maintained a 4.0 even with some very tough math classes. Very. I think he will be done in January. The school he chose was very nice about giving credit for all the classes and training he has taken over the years so it cut his obligation down a LOT. He has his good friends taking classes there, too.

AH – on a more useful note – I wanted to mention here (so I could find it later) that one of CZ’s pals commented on good Sceptre cans for water – someone mentioned these and I ordered one to try them out. On appearance it gets a 9 out of 10 – it still had a bit of flashing on the handle portion from the molds but nothing bad. The rest of the container was nicely trimmed. I will fill it up and leave it sitting to see how it holds up for a month and then load it up with some Aquamira to keep the contents stable. A great price, really. Next month I’ll probably order a few more to keep on hand. We have a lot of water already but you never know.

Speaking of water – that damned pool has been an utter pain in the ass lately. It went green on me and I had to get on top of it but damn, what a lot of work. More shock, more scrubbing and MAYBE it can be usable in summer. Fact is the damned thing is old, needs resurfaced and tiled and a new decking added. The systems are really nice but all it takes is letting the chlorine get low or having some crud get in it and you are in a world of pain. I wish I had the cash to refurb the damned thing but…so it goes.

Sounds like Sarge has finished his ride which means time for me to make the breakfast. I’ve been up for 3 hrs so that’s reasonable. BTW, have you seen this amazing video? The damned reading is long and a bit irritating but if they all get strung up for it my life will be better for it. He references this one from a few years ago and I wonder that it didn’t make the rounds a bit more but you never know…

So there you have it – a lot going on as usual. Just about nothing interesting, though. Life. Just life…